A day in the life of...

Monday

The washing machine is broken. THE WASHING MACHINE IS BROKEN! AHHHHH

Sunday Afternoon

I kid you not. I went for a walk and a bird shat on my head. I reckon it was one of the pigeons from next door. They must have heard me bitching about how fat they are and have been to seek their revenge... see its a good thing I didn't wash my hair this morning. Apparently being shat on is lucky... I am not so sure... 

Sunday Morning

I went for the most incredible walk this morning. I was baby free and walked and walked. It was beautiful, I am so lucky to have this literally on my doorstep.  I don't often walk this way because I get scared that the angry gamekeeper will find me. And there is nothing more terrifying than an angry gamekeeper. He drives around on his quad-bike with his shotgun over the front and his springer spaniel, also named Jess, yelling at innocent folk walking their dogs. I met him initially years ago when I was out walking Roux and Darcy when I first moved here. He swore at me and yelled abuse for not having the dogs on leads and when I told them they were gundogs he flipped to the nicest man in the world and asked me to join his shoot. I have never seen someone switch so quickly, he truly is insane (and a total drunk apparently). I said of course I would love to be apart of his shoot (in fear of being shot) but no way in hell would I join this man's shoot. 

Last I heard he was cautioned by the police for hurling racist abuse at a fellow local chap walking his pointer on the footpath around his land. The local is Portuguese and he got told to "go back to his own country". (The Portuguese chap is actually a doctor working for the NHS!) I am pretty sure the gamekeeper has waved a shotgun in someones face before too. Seriously, one day this man is going to shoot someone. He is nuts. 

Saturday

A soft toy has exploded in my living room. The dogs all told me that they have no idea how it happened. Olwynn is looking suspicious, but Darcy is looking particularly impressed with herself, so I am going to guess it was her. I’m sure the others assisted in the destruction.

My life now consists of dancing pineapples to entertain the baby. Specifically  “Baby Sensory - Disco Food Party! - Fun baby video with music - Infant Visual Stimulation". Just in case you feel like you are desperately missing out, here is the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZfeyKpDnxc

You’re welcome.

I opened the fringe this afternoon and there was a tennis ball in it. Why is there a tennis ball in my fridge?

Friday

Copper ate a hole in my jumper, through the pocket specifically as he was trying to get the dog treats. He could have just stuck his head in the pocket but clearly eating a hole at the bottom was the better option. Literally one minute later, Clover smashed my tea off the wall and broke the mug. I am not sure what I was more distressed about, the tea or the broken mug. I suspect the tea… 

I ate an entire Easter egg to myself. I was hoping that Jake wouldn’t notice. He noticed. Am I ashamed? No.

Thursday

I have nothing to say...

Isolation Land

Today I woke up and put my tshirt on backwards. I didn’t notice until Marlowe threw up all over it. I contemplated just turning my t-shirt around... Don’t worry, I washed it.

Did anyone ever tell you just how annoying spaniel puppies are? I mean, my god they are annoying. Actually the puppies we have at the moment are very good really, but they are still annoying. You take your eyes off them for a microsecond and they are up to no good. Well, that is spaniels in general. They like to see what they can get away with. Is this good preparation for the toddler phase?! 

Yesterday I turned around to find Copper trying to rip up the carpet. He was subsequently banned  to the kitchen. Anyone who says their puppies are perfect are clearly a liar or a magician. Sourcery I tell you. Then moments later I was outside fixing the fence. They didn’t want to escape, but get to the pigeons in the next door neighbours garden. My weird hippy neighbours feed the pigeons. They are fat, waddling pigeons. They really need to stop feeding them.  I wonder if I will be reincarnated as a fat waddling pigeon. I am almost looking like one.

Oh, I ate all the croissants. My biggest achievement in lockdown yet. 

Yesterday was just one of those days. I imagine it is the same for parents when one day their children are absolute angels, and the next you have seemed to have sporned a devil child!

The gardener Fred was round, he is a really nice chap and he makes my garden look pretty. An hour later, Ivy had dug a huge hole in the garden, more of a crater than a hole and I could have killed her. I also got told off by another neighbour because one of the dogs was chasing a bird around the allotment. Oops. I said perhaps shutting the gate might help. It didn't help to say that. I apologised. 

It was actually Ivy. She works brilliantly for Jake. But for me, she looks at me, thinks for a moment and goes, nah and sodds off as if she were sticking two fingers up to me. Facepalm.

I haven't pissed anyone off yet today... 

Marlowe spent the evening screaming the other day. It was genuinely the first time he has ever screamed longer than 5/10 minutes since he was born. A mixture of colic and teething. Lucky me. I nearly had a meltdown. Don’t judge me I had wine. Then ate one scone, three digestive biscuits and the rest of the box of Black Magic chocolate. Sadly the chocolate wasn't magic but the wine certainly helped.

In others news, I got accepted on my degree course, hooray! I don't know how I am going to cope but hey ho, I am sure I will give it my best shot. 

What else? I super glued my shoes back together. Don't worry I washed them first. Apart from that, all is rather dull in isolation land... 

Ivy Found Henry

Ivy found Henry at the back of the garden. When I say Henry, I mean Henry hoover. I have a collection of crap ready to take to the dump, sadly Henry died and found himself amongst the pile. Ivy was totally freaked out by his sudden appearance behind the kennel and went mental. Ivy is the sort of dog that gets totally weirded out by something that has mysteriously moved or appeared. It is rather amusing sometimes. Lets say you move the tv, she then walks past it ten times before she realises it has moved then totally shits herself. The other day, I washed Copper’s giant teddy and sat him on a garden chair outside to dry. I let the dogs out for a wee and they all started barking. I stormed outside in an angry huff to see what all the fuss was about to find Ivy going mental at the teddy bear that had suddenly appeared in the garden, enjoying some sunshine on the patio. I was then in stitches to find her barking at the teddy. Scary teddy bear. 

I wash everything. Literally everything goes in the washing machine. My water bill is pretty high, but I don’t care because I need clean in my life. I also have this strange obsession where I have to change my socks about 5 times a day. No joke. I can’t walk around with dirty socks on or put dirty socks in my shoes. So I have to change them, all the time. Socks everywhere and they have to be matching too. How boring is my life? Impressively so. 

Today I broke a wooden chopping board. The other day I broke my stag ornament which I have literally broken about 10 times before and superglued back together again. Don’t mention the plate, I am still bitter. It stings. I don’t think there is much hope for the chopping board though. That’ll teach me to put it in the dish washer. Meanwhile the puppies are on a ‘what can I try and destroy today challenge’. Today I found Clover eating my kitchen chair leg. The other morning was the wooden step by the front door. I literally give up. Did I mention the hole in the wall? 

You know today is going to be a good day when you walk the dogs in the morning and you get dog poo on your hand and all over a dog lead. The dog lead went into the washing machine. See I told you I wash everything.

Today I went to Costco. I went to get laundry detergent. I came out with laundry detergent, three bags of dog food and a huge box of croissants. When I got home Jake asked me why I had brought so many croissants and the truth is I don’t really know. He then proceeded to tell me that the sell by date is tomorrow so I need to eat them all before they go off. I need to eat 24 croissants by Sunday and so far I have eaten 5. It seems a little excessive but I will eat them anyway. Why on earth did I buy so many croissants? 

I went to Costco looking feral and clearly I was hungry. I had sick down my t-shirt, was wearing baggy mud stained joggers and my shoes that are now talking to me. I might superglue them too. I really need to wash my hair. I am the epiphany of sexy right now. I should also say a prayer for Henry before he meets his fate in the pit of electrical doom at the dump. Perhaps he caught Coronavirus.

Aside from that, not much else is going on. Does anyone want a croissant?

Lockdown Loonies

This week has mainly consisted of unsubscribing to my emails, being thrown up on and avoiding my neighbours. I even descaled the kettle, amongst other semi-pointless tasks. 

Last night I watched ‘Beat the Chaser’ and I kid you not, a question about Nobelium came up! I could have won £5,000. We shall omit the fact that I would be out on the first round because I didn’t know what Latin word for some obscure species of bird was. I find the fact that one of the quiz masters has nicknamed himself “The Dark Destroyer” utterly hilarious and desperately inappropriate. It sounds like a terrifying porn star name. Let alone "The Vixen". IVT needs to calm down.

I think self-isolation is turning us all into “lockdown loonies”, which sounds quite fun and could become some kind of sketch show, but in reality it is as boring as Big Brother. (Please use Geordie accent) Day 456 in the Big Brother house… Jess is dusting the lightbulbs…

Moving on. One amusing habit Roux has gotten into this week is trying to take off my trousers whilst I am sat on the toilet. Every evening I give Roux my clothes and he takes it off to bed. He always has a small collection of clothes which he often wanders around the house with. I have to say it is quite endearing really if not slightly odd, particularly if he is mooching around with my pants. 

I have finished Act 2 of Julius Caesar, which consisted of the following:

Calpurnia: (Caesar’s wife) “oh no, please don’t go to work, I had a bad dream, a terrible omen of death, blood and murder.” 

Caesar: “I really should go”

Calpurnia: “I know I am just a useless woman but please stay home”

Caesar: “Well...”

Calpurnia: “Beware. Death. Murder. Betrayal.”

Caesar: (sigh) “Okay dear”

Enter Decius Brutus.

Decius Brutus: “Don’t be a looser, go to work. They are gonna give you a shiny crown.”

Caesar: “Okay then”

Death. Murder. Betrayal. The End.

You are welcome. I saved you a few hours. 

P.S. I am still pissed off about the plate.

May 2020 - Marlowe is 10 weeks old!

I finally made it to the river!

March 2020 - Before Lockdown

Life is good. I made it to the river, one of my favourite walks in Winchester. I was actually doing this walk the day before I was induced. It normally takes me about 50 minutes or so to walk the length and back and it took me nearly 2 hours at 37 weeks pregnant. I tried my best to stay fit and healthy whilst pregnant, I managed to complete an entire shooting season, working the dogs and going beating, thanks to the most awesome and sympathetic gamekeeper, who appreciated that waddling around hills and valleys was actually quite challenging. I only fell over once!

At the end of January, I even shot on beaters day. I mean, I didn't actually hit anything, mainly because I could barely hold the gun up (and also because I am a terrible shot) but I was utterly determined to try and carry on as normal. I didn't want to miss out on the season. I can't think of anything better than being outside in countryside working my dogs. It really is amazing.

Superglue

I am pissed off. I knocked a plate off the wall and the baby is screaming. The dogs are annoying me (they aren’t even being annoying) and I have a private lesson in about 20 minutes. The baby has been upset for two days because he had his first lot of injections, but on the plus side, he was so exhausted yesterday evening that we had a great night sleep. Hooray!

I haven’t written much lately, mainly because life with a newborn is rather busy. Although I have to say that he is getting interesting now (not that he wasn’t interesting before) but he now interacts with me and smiles. When he smiles my heart literally melts, it is amazing.

Self-isolation and social distancing is just getting boring now. Trying to come up with new ways to amuse my myself with a newborn is challenging. Mainly because I have no hands free. I have progressed from ‘Countdown’ to ‘The Chase’, perhaps by the end of the year I shall be a quizmaster… at least I am learning new something I suppose. Although learning that ‘No’ in the periodic table is Nobelium probably won’t help me much in my life. I applied for a Masters degree in Shakespeare and Education (fingers crossed) and I have actually started reading Julius Caesar. 

On the whole life is good. I went for the most amazing walk around Farley woods in the pouring rain the other day. It was absolute bliss. Walking round and round and round the local park was starting to drive me insane. Not to mention the locals who are mainly just, how can I put it nicely… nope, I can’t put it nicely so you will have to use your imagination. I do believe in Thumper’s philosophy of if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. 

The other week, one of my neighbours actually told the entire village the Jake and I had Coronavirus. I am not joking. I would walk outside with the dogs and I would get a nosey neighbour badger me with “Have you got it then?” My response being, “Got what?” for them to tell me just how ill I was with a deadly disease. Utterly ridiculous.

I have been told I shouldn’t walk my dogs in case they run up to people and infect them, Firstly, my dogs do not run over to anyone because I trained them not too, and secondly, dogs cannot get Coronavirus! 

I have even been asked to move my car because, I literally quote, people could brush up against my car and get infected. I mean, seriously, the world has gone mad. The latest one was that I wasn’t complying with government guidelines because I chatted to a neighbour outside in the garden and over two meters apart. I should have told them all to Foxtrot Oscar and mind their own business but clearly they are bored too and need something to talk about.

I have to say that some of it is so ridiculous it is quite funny. There are, however, a few people in the village who are just lovely and I get on great with. Particularly my Polish neighbour who is hilarious. I also borrow everything from him and annoy him greatly. Normally break whatever I have borrowed and give it back. 

So we are surviving and hopefully some form of normality will resume soon. One can hope, before I apply to Mastermind and embarrass myself on a national scale.

Ratatouille

I walked downstairs this afternoon to find a suspicious looking "throw up" on the floor and all of the dogs crowded around Ivy. I promptly realised that she had caught a mouse and brought it into the living room. All of the other dogs were wanting 'in' on the excitement. She is also playing with it  - because it was still alive. Ivy has always loved playing with her food. Even as a puppy, she used to pick up a piece of kibble, throw it across the room and pounce on it. She still does it and it is rather amusing to watch. Even yesterday, she was playing with an earwig in the garden, throwing it around and chasing it before it met its untimely demise. 

So she is in my living room nudging a mouse around and it is carnage. The dogs are going batty, Baby Marlowe is under my left arm dangling, I am trying to grab Ivy and/or mouse with my right hand and get them outside the back door. It was proving rather challenging with all the other dogs circling in for the kill. I managed to get Ivy outside and tried to prize the mouse out from her mouth, I was so surprised it was still alive. Well, at least she has a soft mouth, all that gundog training has paid off... She drops it, but obviously Darcy grabbed it straight away and killed it. (Evil bastard) But I am somewhat relieved as hopefully the poor thing has been put out of its misery. By now Marlowe is screaming from all the commotion and hungry. He is always hungry. Taking a deep breath now all the drama is over and the mouse is no longer in the house, I give up even bothering to try and stop any of them from trying to eat it. I get a bottle and feed him in the garden. Darcy is still guarding the mouse. 

So I am sitting there with this wet dead thing starring at me, it is sprawled out on the floor with Darcy looking impressed with herself that she has the prize and nobody else has it. I'm really hoping that she doesn't eat it. Except it is not a mouse, it is actually a rat. Fat tail, long legs and snout. A dead, wet rat now lying in my garden. Nice. Well, coming into my garden it really didn't have much of a chance. 

I sit for a moment and reflect upon my life. My day wouldn't be complete without something mildly ridiculous like this. Oh and there is another hole in the garden. Bastards. 

Happy Easter!

Today is Easter Sunday. Happy Easter everyone, I hope the Easter bunny brought you lots of chocolates. I have refrained from chocolate/sugar for the past few days. Mainly because eating five biscuits every time I had a cup of tea was getting a bit excessive. (I drink a lot of tea!) I also have more of a belly podge than I did after Marlowe was born - oops! All I want to eat is carbs and sugar. Slash everything, the hunger is real.

Today I plucked my eyebrows. I know, impressive. But in all seriousness I am relieved, I look less like a trashy version of Frida Khalo and more like a normal human being. Although, I could audition for the cast of the 'Walking Dead' without any special effects or make-up at the moment. I’ve mastered the gormless look, the aimless stumbling and groaning too. Speaking of masters, I applied for one. Specifically the MA Shakespeare and Education at the Birmingham University. I also applied for a scholarship too. Not because I am academically smart enough, simply because I am poor. I actually wrote half of my entrance essay about three days after Marlowe was born. Full of adrenaline and going stir crazy from being in hospital for so long. I needed something productive to do. What I wrote wasn’t actually too bad. Perhaps that is the best approach to academia; spurt some clever sounding crap when mentally challenged/exhausted. I’m sure the best essay I wrote for my degree was after a few too many glasses of wine. God do I miss wine.

I don’t know what is worse, being in lockdown or being stuck in hospital. Probably lockdown. At least in hospital I got brought food. Lockdown is painful, mainly because I miss my mum and dad. Everything else I can cope with. Even with 8 dogs currently. Although the last few days the weather has been glorious and life is always good when the sun is shining.

Don’t get me started on the Tiger King. Possibly the best thing to come out of lockdown? Mainly because of all the stupid memes and jokes that have come out of it. My god is it funny. They are all quite frankly, bat shit crazy. Dare I mention bats at the moment. The best meme I have heard is “Carol Bat-skin” instead of Carole Baskin.  

Life is good. It’s been very up and down with lockdown but I have a lot to be thankful for. The dogs have been good for the past few days. I mean, they have only chewed a hole in the wall and dug a few holes in the garden. It’s all fine though, because we can just blame Carole Baskin.

When Coffee is Life

I know, I know. I am one of those awful people that keep those money making, tax dodging b******s in business. I love to go and get coffee. Since lockdown, obviously, a daily excursion to get coffee is a long and distant memory. In reality it is probably saving me a small fortune but I do miss a decent coffee. Today arrived my Starbucks coffee pods for my Nespresso machine (Thanks Claire!) and life is now complete. 

I am not going to lie, I am absolutely shattered. Marlowe is five weeks old now and a remarkably easy baby. He sleeps a lot, eats all the time and only cries when I change him. Any form of self care is clearly distressing. I do hope he isn't like that as a teenager... I find it almost impossible to "sleep when baby sleeps". Mainly because I am far too house proud (not that anyone is coming to visit currently) but a messy house just drives me crazy. Also, with seven dogs, we are on a perpetual cleaning mission. 

A few years ago I did buy a Roomba, which is a robot vacuum cleaner. Possibly the best thing I ever bought. On the app, I even named it. For a while I called it Demi. I would get alarming notifications from the app saying that 'Demi was stuck on the edge of a cliff', 'Demi needed attention' or that 'Demi needed recharging'. I did find this rather amusing. But my point is, you should buy one. 

Although you do hear of the horror stories of the Roomba driving over some poo. Has it happened to me? Yes. It has, last summer. My god it was awful. I had to take the whole damn thing apart, clean every inch of it and when I finally put it back together, it didn't work. Don't even go there with the carpet.

About five years ago, when I had the lovely Labrador. I remember coming home to him having a bout of horrendous, and I mean horrendous diarrhoea where he had literally shat everywhere. It was so bad I had to rip up the carpet. Remind me again why do I have dogs?

Anyway, all is going well, except for the sheer exhaustion. Who knew you could literally pass out with tiredness? At least I have my posh, over priced coffee to keep me going for now. 

02/04/2020

When life doesn't go to plan...

People always say to me that they are amazed at how calm I am, even at the hospital after days and days. I say to them, that's because my life never goes to plan. I used to get really stressed when I was younger, but the older I have gotten, the more chilled I have become. I am slowly turning to Daddy Leavins, not caring about most things, except the things that really matter.

I will give you an example of my day today. One week, post baby. I am doing well. We get off to a good start. Jake, (who has been absolutely incredible) takes the “night shift” and lets me sleep. I wake up early, I get to the hospital early. I am impressed because I’m not late, we are on to a winner. The hearing test for Marlowe is all good, then I am on my way to London to see my mum. I am absolutely desperate to see my mum and for her to meet Marlowe for the first time.

From the hospital we manage 2.2 miles up the road to get fuel. I fill up with a tenner and we are ready to rock and roll. Nope. Marlowe is hungry. I go from the petrol station, over the road to the drive through Costa. I get myself a latte and we have a good 45-minute feed. We haven't got very far in an hour ... All done and fed, we are ready to go. I set off, the traffic is clear and all is well. 

I pull up outside my parents’ house, I thought, what a perfect moment to film, me introducing Marlowe to his Nana. Awkwardly struggling, phone in one hand, baby in the other, I somehow manage to capture the keys opening the door, waiting to meet Mummy Leavins. Of course my phone dies just at the special moment. It was nice thought...

Mummy Leavins is besotted with Marlowe. It is really special for your family to meet your newborn for the first time and have that first cuddle at eight days old. Such a long wait for my mum. In and out of hospital for us. It has been tough.

She has a cuddle, we sit down and he is hungry again so we have a feed. I message Emma and ask her if she can take Topic for me for a few days, just so I don’t have to worry about him. “Sure, I am in Oxted, come and meet us, we are having lunch soon. Join us for lunch.” Awesome. Sounds good, I will probably be done in half an hour, I will then take Darcy and Topic out for a quick walk. I should be with you in just over an hours’ time. 

One hour and 15 minutes later, he has just finished feeding. We are doing well. I don’t have time to walk the dogs. I go to leave but I can’t leave because I don’t know where my shoes are. Darcy and Topic have hidden my shoes around my parents’ house. It takes me five minutes to find my shoes. Having eventually retrieved my shoes, I realise, Marlowe needs changing. Brilliant. Hopefully we’ll be on our way soon.

My dad calls, I ask him if I can borrow his car as my little red car only has two seats in set up. (The rest is folded down and kitted out for the dogs.) Fine. We find the key to the Audi, we go to the car but the car does not start. The battery is flat as a pancake. Dead. It is fine. I will just have to rearrange the back of the red car. This takes about 10 minutes, mats boxes, cages, rubbish everywhere. We’ll get there though its fine, I tell myself. Once this is done we are good to go. Nope.

My phone has stopped working. Ergh. I try looking up the destination on my sat nav, which appears to be more complicated than cracking the Da Vinci Code. I can’t find the destination. I am getting really annoyed now, this is taking forever.

Eventually, we do leave. The sat nav takes us the most stupid way known to man. We arrive about two hours late. (Sorry Emma!) We have a lovely catch up, meet the family and have a good old cup of tea. Tea makes everything better. We say our goodbyes and are about go home, however, Marlowe is hungry again, so we are sat in the car waiting until he has finished. Not long later we do actually leave. Hoorah!

Now because I was lazy and only put £10 of fuel in the car, I need to revisit a petrol station, but I can’t find my bank card. I’ve lost it. (Amongst the three others that I have lost in the last few months.) So I have to ask Mummy Leavins to fill up my car for me. Epic fail. (Thanks Mum!)

We get home, I get another call from Daddy Leavins. “Please jumpstart my car”. Okay, I will give it a go. Problem is, it is now dark and I can’t really see. My dad as a 2.7 litre turbo automatic and I have a 1.0 litre run around that struggles to make it up a hill. I have now lost the Audi car keys and because it is dark, I can’t find it. I spend five minutes looking for the car key. After a good half an hour of trying to jump start the car, I fail. I am getting really annoyed now, I just want to go home. I eventually give up. 

A good hour or more later than indented, I am on my way home. This is exactly how my life goes. 

When I tell people I have seven dogs, they look at me in disbelief. You have seven working cocker spaniels?! How on earth do you cope?! I say to them, trust me, the dogs are the easy part!

01/03/2020

Countdown Conundrum

I am sat watching countdown, the dogs are driving me batty and I am contemplating whether I could ever win that teapot. Although today’s successful five letter word I managed to conjure was: cakes. Thinking of cakes, I am perpetually hungry. I have twice attempted flapjacks since lockdown, twice failed. How can I fail when there are only four ingredients you ask? Well… my culinary skills are poor, but I tried. I can just about bake peanut butter dog biscuits, but let us face it, spaniels will eat anything. It is nice to believe they are appreciating my expert skill but I am pretty sure one of them ate my silicone nipple shield the other day. It mysteriously disappeared and hasn’t been found since... 

I did, however, manage to wash my hair this morning. Impressive huh? It is the little victories in life that make me smile. Oh, the car didn’t start yesterday. See, I told you it happens all the time! Jake is back at work so I am manning the fort of my own. I wonder how many people have made their own pillow forts since being stuck inside? The lockdown is clearly driving us all insane. 

Anyways, I better go. Marlowe has just wee'd through his nappy on me, the dogs are digging up the garden and I am slowly loosing my sanity. What a conundrum. 

31//03/2020